


here with you

by TsingaDark



Series: Spooky Month [6]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, M/M, One More Light - Linkin Park, Songfic, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 07:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12316131
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsingaDark/pseuds/TsingaDark
Summary: The signs had been there, small at first, barely recognisable, but there nonetheless. Phil wishes he’d seen them at the same time as he wishes they’d not been there at all. It could’ve bought them more time but would it really have been worth it if that time had come with even more pain?





	here with you

**Author's Note:**

> part of spooky month because nothing is scarier than the thought of one of them dying 
> 
> ngl, I cried a ton while writing this. I only edited this once ages ago and then couldn't bear the thought of looking at this again bc I knew I was just gonna cry again.. this is why I usually don't write stuff like this

The signs had been there, small at first, barely recognisable, but there nonetheless. Phil wishes he’d seen them at the same time as he wishes they’d not been there at all. It could’ve bought them more time but would it really have been worth it if that time had come with even more pain? 

Phil isn’t sure if it was better this way. Of course it wasn’t. It would’ve been better if none of this had happened, if Phil didn’t even need to think about the possibility of a different timeline for them, a different course, one without pain and tears and loss. 

 

***

 

The headache was there again, Phil could tell. Dan had been plagued by it for the last few weeks, sometimes it was less painful, but other times he’d only be able to lie in bed, every light source turned dark, the flat in an eerie silence that worried Phil even though there was nothing to worry about.

Nothing helped. No matter how many pain killers Dan took, the headache didn’t stop. Phil could only watch from the sidelines; try not to get angry when Dan lashed out again; pull him into his arms when the pain was just this side of too much again. 

Phil had told Dan that he should go to the doctor’s. He had gone with him, although he didn’t usually accompany Dan to visits to the doctor. It was like he could feel that something was about to go horribly, horribly wrong, but he didn’t know what; just that he felt this need to be by Dan’s side, to hold his hand through all the tests and the first time sitting in the doctor’s office that felt too empty, too impersonal for something that was as world-changing for them as the words coming out of the doctor’s mouth.

There was a  _ sorry  _ there and  _ terminal illness _ , the words ringing in Phil’s ears, but that wasn’t even the worst. Dan’s words were, tinged with incomprehension, incredulity, bone-deep fear. 

It was Dan’s hand in his, gripping so tightly that Phil thought they would never be able to be separated again. It was a silent  _ I’m here with you, whatever happens next _ .

 

***

 

There was the sound of glass breaking, again and again, and Phil felt glued to where he sat on the sofa, despite what he knew was happening in the kitchen. He couldn’t bear seeing Dan like that, couldn’t even bear the thought of what was happening to him, to them. 

There was anger, lots and lots of anger, tinged with fear that Phil had no idea how to deal with because he felt those emotions, too, but differently. He couldn’t express them, only let himself feel them in moments of complete darkness and loneliness, when he knew there was no one there to witness. 

He tried to be strong, tried to be who Dan needed him to be, but it was hard, so incredibly hard, and there were times when he just couldn’t. And so he kept sitting there until the sounds ceased, and only then did he get up and made his way to the kitchen, ignoring the mess everywhere, the broken glass, the broken pieces of their dreams, of what their life could’ve been. And he took the remaining pieces into his arms, trying to hold them together for as long as he had left.

And Phil said, “I’m here, I will always be here with you.”

 

***

 

There were silent nights spent in each other’s arms, only interrupted by quiet whispers. It was then that Phil felt any resemblance to how everything had been before, when they had been talking about future plans that involved both of them, not one of them alone in a life they weren’t willing to live with the other. 

There were night when they tried to pretend that everything was normal. Dan would ramble about a new album he’d found the day before, not waiting for the right moment to listen to it but rushing through it immediately, because there was no time to wait for a moment that would never come.

They would exchange kisses, no desperation, no hurry, just lips pressed to lips over and over again, their hands intertwined, their bodies pressed close together, trying to get lost in each other. Quiet  _ I love you _ ’s whispered into each other’s skin, sentences they normally wouldn’t have said to each other this often. 

And one from Dan over and over again. “I’m here, I’m still here.”

 

***

 

There was a moment there at the end, several of them, when Phil couldn’t stop that mixed feeling of hopelessness and fear,so big it was threatening to overwhelm him, taking place in his chest, making everything cold and distant and so so wrong. 

He knew it wasn’t Dan’s fault, no one’s fault really, but he desperately needed someone to blame and so he took it out on everyone around them. Never on Dan, because he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he’d blamed Dan. He would’ve regretted it for the rest of his life. But other people, those were okay, in his desperate attempts to justify, because they didn’t feel the same pain, the same helplessness. 

Dan, almost void of anything that had made him Dan, just watched. Maybe he could understand what Phil was feeling; he probably could. He never said anything when Phil lashed out, didn’t stop him from replying with harsh words to people that only meant well. 

But he did hold his hand with a stronger grip and his eyes told Phil that he knew, that he wouldn’t react differently if their positions were reversed. It was an unspoken  _ I’m here with you as you are with me _ . 

 

***

 

There’s a moment in the kitchen, everything silent and empty and clean, when Phil looks around. There’s the kitchen table, every single chair neatly pushed under the table, even the ones that have been frequently used, and it sparks something in him, something deep and sharp. Before he knows what he’s doing, there are things breaking, anger fuelling his movements, more broken pieces adding to the invisible ones already there. 

He doesn’t know how to stop, doesn’t know if he’ll ever be able to. There’s the echo of words, spoken in the exact same position he finds himself in, but this time he’s the only one whispering them. 

 

***

 

Phil sits on what had once been their shared balcony, in what, in his mind, will always be their shared flat, their shared home. Not their forever home because it had never come to that, but the home that felt the most like it could’ve been. 

He’s not on his own; his mum is somewhere inside, looking through boxes of stuff and selecting things to be donated to charity or to simply be thrown out, but Phil knows he’ll carefully put each item back where it was before, because he can’t part with those yet. He thinks he’ll probably never be able to. He knows it’s what Dan would’ve wanted, for him to keep on going, keep on  _ living _ , but it’s not that easy.

To everyone else it might not have such an impact, might not be as world-changing, but for Phil it changes everything. He knows he will never be the same, will never want to be same. It will take years until he can remember all of the goods parts without thinking of the bad ones, when he will be able to smile again and not feel guilty. When he will think of brown eyes, and soft hair, and warm hands in his, and love that they both felt equally as strong, because they were in everything together, never alone, and won’t want to cry.

Maybe one day there will be a forever home for him, and a dog, and a koi pond and everything they dreamt of having. But that day is still years aways, years that Phil will need to become even a shred of the happy self he used to be. It’s not something he can picture ever being again. Not without the most vital part in his life, the one constant he always thought would be by his side. There are no words anymore.

 

***

 

There’s a moment when Phil remembers calmness, happiness where everything else was desperation, pain and deep-seated fear of what was to come. 

Vows exchanged, rings sliding onto fingers, quiet  _ I do _ ’s and the promise of something that couldn’t be held. 

A moment when Dan had gently laid his hand on Phil’s chest, right above his heart and had said, “I will always be with you, right here.”

Phil, his hand where Dan’s had been, his fingers closing around a ring on a necklace, says, “You always will be.”

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](https://tsingadark.tumblr.com/)


End file.
